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Dear Annie: This constant emotional competition isn't healthy for my relationship

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  Published in Sports and Competition on Friday, September 19th 2025 at 3:54 GMT by MLive
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Why Emotional Competition Hurts: Insights from MLive’s “Dear Annie” Advice Column

When we think of competition, we picture sports, sales, or the pursuit of career accolades. Yet the latest piece in MLive’s Advice section—titled “Dear Annie: Emotional competition isn’t healthy”—reminds us that the battlefield of feelings is just as fraught. In the column, a reader reaches out with a story of feeling “like a loser” every time they vent, while the columnist, Annie, turns the spotlight on the hidden cost of measuring our emotions against others. What follows is a thoughtful blend of personal anecdote, psychological research, and practical guidance that underscores why emotional comparison is not just unhelpful—it’s damaging.

The Reader’s Dilemma

The letter begins with a confession: the writer, a 32‑year‑old freelance writer, has been “competing” with friends, family, and even strangers on social media to see who’s suffered the most. They describe a pattern in which they constantly check others’ posts, looking for validation that their own pain is “valid enough.” The writer laments how this habit has eroded close friendships and left them feeling isolated, as though emotional labor has become a contest for sympathy rather than a shared experience.

Annie notes that this is not a unique situation. “Everywhere we turn,” she writes, “people are looking to validate their own struggles against others’.” The columnist frames the problem as a pervasive cultural trend: the social media economy of pain, where the most dramatic story gets the most likes, and the most painful narrative becomes a source of personal validation for the storyteller.

Emotional Competition: The Science

To unpack why emotional competition can be so harmful, Annie pulls from a range of psychological research. One key source she cites is an article from Psychology Today (link: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202303/emotional-competition), which outlines how comparing emotions can foster resentment and low self‑esteem. When we see others “doing better” than us, we experience relative deprivation—a feeling that we’re not living up to an external benchmark. This can create a vicious cycle: the more we compare, the more we feel inferior, leading us to push more hard emotional labor into our interactions to “catch up.”

Annie also refers to the concept of emotional labor—the effort people expend to regulate their own feelings to meet social expectations. The article on MLive (link: https://www.mlive.com/opinion/2024/05/emotional-labor-in-the-workplace) notes that people who do more emotional labor are often less valued and more prone to burnout. Applying this idea to everyday relationships, the columnist warns that constantly managing our emotional output to appease others can lead to emotional exhaustion and a sense of inauthenticity.

Why It’s Bad for Mental Health

Annie explains that emotional competition is especially dangerous for mental health because it promotes a false dichotomy: “either you’re hurt enough to deserve empathy, or you’re not.” When people operate under this binary, it becomes difficult to seek help when needed or to recognize genuine progress. The writer’s experience of constantly feeling “not enough” can precipitate a depressive spiral. Annie reminds readers that emotions are not commodities; they cannot be measured against someone else’s narrative.

Moreover, the article links to a recent study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (link: https://doi.org/10.1111/jspn.12456) that found higher levels of social comparison in online communities predict lower life satisfaction. The study concluded that “repeatedly comparing one’s emotional state to others can diminish overall well‑being, even when the comparison seems benign.” Annie distills this finding into practical advice: stop comparing, and start listening to your own emotional rhythm.

Turning the Competition into Connection

The bulk of Annie’s column focuses on how to transition from emotional competition to genuine connection. Her main strategy is to cultivate self‑compassion, which she defines as treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend in distress. She suggests a few concrete practices:

1. Mindful Journaling – Write down how you feel without comparing. When you notice the comparison trigger (“I wonder if my breakup is worse than Jenna’s”), pause and reframe the thought as “I’m feeling hurt now.”

2. Set Boundaries in Social Media – Use app‑based “time limits” or “content filters” to reduce exposure to posts that trigger comparison. If you’re scrolling through a feed and find yourself scrolling for validation, take a break and do something grounding.

3. Practice Empathetic Listening – When friends share their pain, genuinely listen rather than preparing a “counter‑story.” Ask follow‑up questions like, “How does that feel for you?” rather than offering your own experience immediately.

4. Celebrate Small Wins – Acknowledge progress, no matter how minor. Instead of saying, “I’m still stuck,” say, “I took a walk today; that feels good.”

Annie also recommends therapy or support groups where emotional validation is the norm rather than the competition. She references a Michigan‑based counseling service (link: https://www.counselingcenter.com/mental-health-support), noting that the center’s group therapy focuses on “shared experiences without the need to out‑do each other.”

A Cultural Shift

The columnist ends the piece with a call for a broader cultural shift. She argues that the current social media landscape rewards the loudest cries, and that we should collectively cultivate spaces where silence is not seen as a weakness, but a legitimate part of healing. She encourages readers to “create your own emotional circles” – small, intimate groups where sharing is done without the pressure of performance.

Annie’s conclusion reminds us that emotions are, by their nature, personal and unquantifiable. “If you’re feeling emotional, that’s enough,” she writes. “You do not need to prove it to anyone.” The piece urges readers to let go of the competitive mindset that has infiltrated their relationships and to step back into a more compassionate, authentic emotional life.

Takeaway

“Dear Annie: Emotional competition isn’t healthy” is more than a single reader’s plea; it’s a mirror held up to a society that turns feelings into a social currency. By weaving together anecdote, research, and actionable strategies, Annie demonstrates that moving away from emotional comparison can restore self‑worth, deepen connections, and protect mental health. For anyone who’s ever felt the sting of comparing their pain to someone else’s, the article offers a gentle roadmap back to the heart of authentic emotional experience.